Seek more to understand, and THEN to be understood. -Steven Covey
A reflection on “understanding”. (July 9, 2021)
Sometimes there are quotes that you hear that are somewhat cliche, but they suite the moment. Other times there are quotes that you hear that truly strike a nerve, and hold an immediate sense of value. Today, I heard this quote. “Seek more to understand, and then to be understood”, by Steven Covey. It came at exactly the right moment, and it means more in this moment than it did when I first heard it. The universe has a way of throwing messages like that to us when we are most supposed to hear them. We don’t always get the message, but this time I did.
Often, we spend time talking to our kids and family members. But are we truly speaking with them, or are we talking at them? Are they hearing us? Are we getting through? Or are we just sending more hot air into the ether? Should we even continue? How do we turn this empty speech into meaningful conversation? Words that are spoken… heard… and then understood and acted upon or followed through on?
Maybe the best course of action is to start on the opposite end of communication model. The listening end! Maybe to get people to listen to us better, we need to learn to be better listeners ourselves. If we work on modeling proper behavior and communication, we’ll get the same in return. Perhaps if we truly listen to our kids, and other people that we interact with and demonstrate that what they say really matters to us, they’ll start to listen better and mirror our behavior.
Kids (in my case, teens) ask for things a lot. They interrupt our work, our homework, our quiet time and and conversations with other people without a thought. Even through their rudeness and interrupting, we need to learn to provide validation that they have been heard. If we can’t respond to their requests immediately, we at least need to then provide feedback on why, instead of just not responding. Communicate that you need to think about their question or request before you can honestly respond. Or that you will address it at a later time that is more convenient for you.
Lately, I feel like we’ve arrived at some sort of a communication impasse or breakdown. We’re all speaking at each other, but no one is being heard. This pandemic has forced us together physically, but also pushed us apart mentally and emotionally. We’re snapping at each other. Almost all of our communication revolves around behavior or lack of participation in household activities.We’re all wasting our breath. It doesn’t help that the kids are teenage girls. They only want to communicate using IG (Instagram). And even then, they only seem to want to communication with people half way around the world, that they don’t know IRL (in real life).
I guess it’s time to dig and put all of the lessons I’ve learned in communications courses and seminars about emotional intelligence to work in my own household. How is it that we can put these skills to use in our professional lives quite successfully, but when it comes to our personal lives, we feel like complete failures? Let me know if you’ve faced similar challenges and what you’ve done to overcome. I promise to let you know if I find any relief as well.
