Today I Learned The True Meaning of Compromise
A lesson I learned from my 12 year old. (April 2020)
Today was the first time in my life that I can consciously remember knowing and understanding the full benefit of compromise. I understand now. It’s not about letting someone else win (which I always knew, at least academically). But today I learned the full value of giving some, and letting someone else give some, and meeting in the middle, to the full benefit of both parties. And the person who taught me that lesson, unwittingly, is my 12 year old. I’ll have to remember to thank her for this someday.
I think as parents we sometimes think that we have all the answers, because we’ve done so much living already. That our kids haven’t lived as much, don’t know as much, so they can’t possibly be right. The truth is, sometimes they DO know better than we do, and we must learn to listen more, and listen better. Well, let’s be honest here… maybe you listen really well, or listen better already. This is something that I need to work on.
We were dealing with an extremely challenging situation. A situation that I only saw one way out of. She saw another way, and had been asking for that solution for weeks. I initially thought that the solution was just a passing fancy type thing that she had seen on a YouTube video or a TikTok, or from someone at school. Well, it wasn’t. It was something that she had been thinking about for quite a long time.
Hair Care?
We’ve struggled with hair since… well… forever. It’s always been a point of contention. We wash, condition, detangle, put into protective styles. Lather, rinse, condition, repeat, so to speak. Well, they reach an age where they don’t want your help anymore. They flat-out refuse your help and insist that they can do it on their own. Except that they can’t. Or won’t. And it’s pandemic time, and they’re only sitting in their room on Zoom calls (if they choose to turn their video on), so who cares? Right?
Fast forward to now going back to school in person. We really need to do something with your hair NOW. The discussion went on for weeks. Me insisting that she needed to let me wash, condition (hydrate) her hair, and try to get through it. Her insisting she just wanted to shave her head and get a wig. I fought that. I fought it hard. Because she has beautiful hair and lovely soft curls when it’s properly taken care of. We went on like this for weeks.
A few weeks before school started back up, I finally got her to let me try to get through her hair. We were doing pretty well, and she was tolerating me trying to get through the one giant dreadlock that her hair ended up in. But she reached a breaking point and said, just cut it. I had worked most of it out, but there was just one big section that she reached out and touched, and looked at in a mirror and decided she couldn’t anymore. I gave it another day, and reached out to her stylist. Then I reached out to some drag queens that I (and the girls) know. (Who knows better about wigs than a drag queen!?) We arranged to go on a shopping date!
Shopping anyone?
I took one last go at her hair, and got as much of it out as I could. The next afternoon, we were wig shopping with a drag queen’s husband! He’s the one that manages all wigs and hair anyway. And the girls have a lot of respect for him. So there we were, in the middle of this massive shop filled with hair, wigs and accessories, trying on wigs! She was really timid at first, but her face eventually lit up. We bought a couple of less expensive wigs to start with (she’s 12… and wigs ain’t cheap!), for her to learn and grow. She was very excited, with two different styles in hand, as we left the store. We dropped our personal shopper off, and headed home to show the family.
On the way home, we were about to pass her hair dresser’s salon, so I thought we’d stop in to see if she had time to squeeze the kiddo in to get her hair in cornrows to make the wig process easier. As a matter of fact, she did! Excited to see us for the first time in over a year (again, pandemic!). And excited to catch up. But a bit baffled that she wasn’t comfortable with her own hair. Again, short, but not overly short… completely adorable soft beautiful curls. In her mind though, she thought she looked like a boy! So, we marched forward with the cornrows, and then got a lesson in how to properly put on a wig. Viola! She was the happiest I had seen that 12 year old in a year!!
A quick lesson in how to properly wash, condition and care for a wig, and off we went. Back home. To show the rest of the family. She was so proud!
It took a few days for her to truly get comfortable being in a wig. She would put it on, take it off, brush it out, restyle it. Leave it on the table. Put it on again. We’d get ready to go out, and she’d put it on, but then chicken out and take it off, just going out in her braided hair. But after a few successful outings in places where we didn’t really know anyone, her confidence grew, and she started wearing her wigs around people she did know.
It was truly amazing to see her blossom. And I never would have been able to see that, if not for the fact that I took the time to listen to her, and what she wanted, for her own head and hair.
(Note: As I read through this to edit prior to publishing it, I’m realizing that I entitled this “compromise”. Really though, compromise is a lose/lose situation. Neither of us truly lost anything. This should have been “collaboration”. We worked together to both gain what we were after. She wanted to look how she wanted. And I wanted her healthy, clean and taken care of. We both won. And I gained even more, by taking the time to truly listen to and hear my child.)
